Change Only Happens When You Stop Trying To Change
What makes true and lasting change possible.
"Going against the grain, using force against a living system is asking for resistance." — Ron Kurtz, Body-Centered Psychotherapy.
Picture this:
You plant a seed, and you’re super keen for it to sprout. A little too keen, perhaps.
Instead of tending to it every now and then and being okay with its slow progress, there’s an urgency in you. You really want this thing to grow.
So you loom over it every single day, wondering when it will sprout. You don’t realise it, but your looming blocks the sun and the rain from contacting the soil and thus, the seed is unable to receive necessary nourishment.
Then, in your frustration, you stand there yelling criticisms at the seed for it not meeting your developmental expectations.
The criticisms you yell send the seed the message that it is broken, defective or deficient in some way. From the perspective of the seed, it is as if it is not okay for it to be where it is, how it is, exactly as it is.
The seed sprouts, finally. But it doesn’t grow as it should. Its potential doesn’t quite actualise, and as a result its full development has been blocked.
The seed goes on to be fine. It survives. It gets by. But deep down, it knows there’s more growth left inside of it.
This is exactly what happens in our very own human development. If the conditions aren’t quite right, or if they are overbearing or neglectful in some way, we don’t fully develop how we were meant to either.
Which brings me to the central idea of this letter: in order for change and evolution to take place, no force is required.
Force
The mechanistic worldview that emerged from the scientific revolution taught us to see change as something that happens to systems rather than something that emerges from within them.
It is ingrained within us to believe that things only change when we exert a force on them. This has become our default lens for understanding social, organisational, political, spiritual and even personal or spiritual development.
Of course, some things do change when we exert a force on them, but when it comes to living systems, the opposite is true.
Living Systems
We can define a living system as any living thing, also known as organisms, which are self-organising and self-maintaining. Meaning, they inherently direct their own evolution and are capable of healing themselves.
Microbes, insects, animals and human beings are living systems.
All living systems, whilst obviously very different from one another, hold a singular trait in common: when force is applied which either threatens the integrity of the organism or tries to change it in ways that are incongruent with its true nature, we’ll find it’ll push back or resist in the name of self-preservation.
The same is true for us humans. We apply force onto many living systems other than our own species, but we also apply this force onto other human beings, as well as onto ourselves.
We’ll name this type of human-to-human force having a change agenda.
Change Agenda
We can define a change agenda as any desire to fix, improve, correct or transform the way things are, whether about ourselves, within our inner worlds and experience, with others, or within the outer world in general.
Each one of us is inherently unique in our own way. We come with our own unique traits, personality quirks, preferences, outer looks and inner worlds.
When our uniqueness diverges from the collective mould, one might expect to be met with judgements, criticisms, doubtfulness, pressure to conform, projections of fear, or outright rejection. In other words, we can expect to be met with a change agenda. Or really, many change agendas.
A change agenda is a form of force, which when applied to a living system, such as ourselves, only breeds resistance. For us humans, this resistance takes place almost exclusively internally.
If we don’t possess the necessary resolve to deflect these projections, as was the case when we were children, we inherit and internalise them as our own.
So then when we wish to change, we of course do so by wishing we were somehow different than how we actually are. While well-intentioned, the underlying message is one of rejection, as in, “I am not okay exactly as I am”.
When we have a change agenda toward ourselves, what we're actually telling ourselves is that we don't accept ourselves exactly as we are. The same is true for when we have a change agenda toward someone else.
And what does this lead to? It breeds internal resistance. We feel wrong for being how we are. We feel we must be different; better, more upgraded, more developed.
But like the story of the seed I opened this letter with, we know that real, true, transformative change does not happen when we force.
If we try to force ourselves, or others, to change or be something other than what they are, change will not take place.
But there is a way change actually does take place for us, and that can be explained by the paradox of change.
The Paradox of Change
“Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not.” ― Arnold Beisser
This is the crux of the paradoxical theory of change, which is a principle that comes from Gestalt Therapy.
When we have a change agenda against ourselves, this establishes what Frederick Perls (founder of Gestalt) calls the "topdog/underdog" dichotomy. In therapy or coaching, this looks like the client coming in believing the therapist or coach to be an expert whilst they assume the role of the helpless person.
This isn’t something that gets established when we go to get support, it already exists within us internally. One part of ourselves doesn’t like something about another part of ourselves and wants it to change, thereby assuming the role of the expert whilst the other part is victimised and helpless.
The paradox of change then is this: change happens when we stop trying to become something else and instead deepen into and fully accept who we are, exactly as we are in this moment.
There are many many layers to this statement, of course. Fundamentally it is a process of seeing, hearing, understanding, loving and valuing all parts of ourselves… even the ones we can’t bear to see… even the ones we wish were different.
When we do this, we genuinely meet ourselves exactly as we are without any agenda to change ourselves and with that, just like it is for the seed who grows when given the right conditions, we create the right conditions for ourselves and what still wants to grow within us.
When we take the looming pressure and hovering off ourselves, the natural process of our development and individuation is permitted to proceed.
So the next time you catch yourself wishing you were different or trying to force your growth, I invite you to remember that you are not a project to be fixed, but instead you are a seed learning to trust in its own unfolding.
See if you can rest into that. Because being who you are, being on your own unique path IS the goal. There is nothing else to do other than be what you are.
Thank you for being here with me, it means a lot! Before we go:
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If you feel called to explore these ideas further, as well as find other related ideas, concepts and insights, check out The Book of Being - my ongoing exploration into human nature, healing and wholeness:
I really liked your framing of the seed and standing over it and blocking out the sun with your shadow. Hadn't thought of it like this before, but I guess you got the concept of seeds from Buddhist philosophy? Not sure if you've read any of Thich Nhat Hanh's work?