Expand Love & Freedom (Part 3)

How desperately wanting to be me and a letter to my dad led me to Love (and freedom).

(Note: This ain’t my voice, maybe one day, but for now I’m just experimenting with AI voiceovers)

Thank you for being here with me, it means a lot 🙏

If you enjoy my writing, I’d appreciate the love being spread with a like 💜 or restack 🔄 so more people can connect with it.

I’ve been intensely seeking my entire life without realising my mind was the overlord of my reality. Everything was always about what’s next rather than what’s now, and I couldn’t see past the deathgrip of its rigidity.

I came from a position of placing little value on feelings, emotion or intuition, and placing all value on data, cold hard facts and science.

Lately though, that’s all changed.

This is Part 3 in a series I call Mind Is The Enemy.

• Part 1: A Bug In The Deployed Code (My Backstory)

• Part 2: An Encounter with Consciousness Itself

---

Alright, I’ve got a confession to make.

I maaaaybe got a little excited last post. I had way too much fun breaking down those ideas, but some parts were ahead of its time because I’m supposed to be focusing on the story!

So much has happened in just a few weeks across January and February, I’m talking seismic shift spec, and I barely recognise or remember where or who I used to be.

But there’s something special about honouring moments of transformation, even if you don’t identify with who you used to be anymore.

None of this is planned either, which kinda makes it even more fun. I’m trusting in the flow of life that whatever comes out of me in that moment is right, without judgement.

Least we got a ‘lil sneak peek into part of what this newsletter will become in the near future.

But for now, let’s get back to the story.

Be you

It’s the end of 2023 and I had planned to write these massive deep dives on creators that would take anywhere from 30-50 hours worth of research each week.

This was after coming from an idea just a month prior for a blog site that hosted creator interviews, and countless other business ideas I steamrolled my way through over the past few years.

Each time I’d jump into one of these things, I’d quickly realise it felt completely devoid of any meaning. Yet I still convinced myself I needed to do all these things, but deep down to my core… none of them ever felt truly aligned.

I couldn’t even tell you why I thought I wanted to do these things, except for saying something vague like “I want freedom”. Imagine wanting something you already had.

Anyway, I follow this guy on X/Twitter called

Danny Miranda

. Danny is (was?!) known for doing exceptional research on people before they come on his podcast, to the point where his guests just completely freak out.

As soon as I follow him, I see a post saying he’s about to start 1-on-1 coaching in 2024 for 5 people, and to DM him if interested. So that’s what I did.

I was planning on doing a creator deep dive on him so I thought It’d be cool to meet him.

I wanted to be like Danny. I wanted to do such good research on other people so I could finally join the club of being an online “creator”. So I could actually get the love, validation and acceptance that I’d been seeking through these external objects of achievement and accomplishment. I thought that’s what it was going to take.

We had the first discovery call and we connected over… you guessed it… Dr. David Hawkins work and the map of consciousness. In the months prior, I had been showing my friends and family in excitement, but no one really seemed to care all that much, so I was excited to find out other people were into this!

I used to feel compelled to take notes of everything. Every thought, every meeting, every potential plan. So much rigidity. But in this call, I had no notes. All I had was presence in the moment.

I decide to jump into coaching. Still, not really knowing what to expect - I didn’t even know what “love and freedom” coaching meant.

Before the first coaching session kicked off, I wrote a note to myself in complete frustration. I wrote my first creator deep dive and it just felt wrong and misaligned, the same pattern and feeling I had experienced hundreds of times over.

I was so fed up and just so desperately wanted to just be myself and honour what I felt to be true in my heart.

On the 18th of January I was doing stuff I thought other people would like, so then I could be liked, and now I’m writing about my personal life of awakening into spirituality while telling the internet how I lost my sex drive at 22 (Part 1) and how I sometimes cry about the beauty of life (Part 2)😂 I don’t even know who that guy from January 18 is!

I’d like to share the raw note as I wrote it back in January, because I’m sure many have felt in similar ways. ‘Be you’.

To dad

While I’ve had many great moments of breakthrough during coaching with Danny, one of them completely shattered my world, and that was after the very first coaching session.

Before I moved right onto talking about my mother, I had mentioned in passing that I harbour a lot of resentment for my father, that I had felt like he was never really there for me and as a result, I didn’t respect him. Same thing I had said to many different people and therapists in the past, so I didn’t think much of it.

But Danny brought me back to this specifically to drill in on it. He asked me why I was trying to avoiding speaking about my dad like the plague, and what kind of person I thought would be willing to say potentially hurtful things to the people they love.

These questions pierced through my soul, and the answer hit me like a ton of bricks. In what felt like a second, for the first time ever… I understood my dad’s pain. Everyone in the family tries to avoid having a conversation with him because he has the tendency to talk a lot and miss major social cues.

That pain? I realised he doesn’t feel heard, seen, understood or loved… by anyone. But especially me. I was always too busy to talk to him, to pay attention or to actually be interested in what he was saying. Selfish.

Humans subconsciously pick up on these energetic cues whether they consciously know it or not. That’s why he was willing to say things that I found hurtful… it was the only time I’d ever pay attention.

Right after that call, I wrote a letter to my dad. It was a simple letter, but I completely bawled my eyes out as I wrote it while sitting on a bench in a public place during a hike. I didn’t even care if people saw me.

I couldn’t believe it… the reason why I have this need for understanding, this interest for new and exciting things and this insatiable curiosity… the reason why I am on the internet right now creating and writing… is all because of him.

After the hike, I get the idea to drive past my parents house to see if he was home because I wanted him to read it. He happens to be home during the middle of the day on a work day, and my mum wasn’t. What are the chances?

I walk in and say “dad, I want you to read something”. He sits down, and while he’s reading it, I’m just standing there in pure silence and peace while again completely bawling my eyes out. I feel all of this energy flow out of my body and dissipate. Cathartic.

He finishes reading it and stands up, looks at me in shock, and we just hug in silence. Dad and I barely touch each other, let alone hug.

Before I leave, he asks me if I could print it for him because he wanted to frame it and keep it safe in his room. I’d never seen him more happy, excited or proud in my entire life.

Something in my brain broke because that night I experienced life in complete love, presence and calmness. It was like I had a warm energetic blanket of love wrapped around me, and I was acting completely different too. I was acting in pure, unconditional love.

Sophia (my partner) was weirded out and couldn’t believe it because she’d never seen me like that before… she thought I was playing her.

The next day, my upper back and shoulders were just in excruciating pain. It felt like a massive release had happened.

Was I carrying around this energetic burden my entire life?

Again, I’d like to share the raw note. Danny was kind enough to read me a letter he wrote for a loved one of his, so I’d like to pay it forward. To dad.

Realisations

Since this moment, I’ve written many letters to others in my life including my mother and even past versions of myself, which were representative of the places I was holding onto so much pain and grief.

I want to end this with some realisations I understood after all this, in hopes it might help, touch or inspire someone.

On seeing past yourself

If there’s any chance that you’ll be able to get to a place where you can let go and forgive, you’re going to need to see past yourself.

This means dropping the mind and the ego, along with the narrative and storyline of who you (think) you are, so you can become selfless for just a moment (disidentification from the objects of your experience as I discussed in Part 2).

It starts with the willingness to be radically truthful to yourself, and then room for expanded awareness follows.

On pain & compassion

Seeing past yourself is usually a very simple proposition when it’s to do with people and circumstances who aren’t embedded in the storyline of your life. That’s why it’s so easy to give others advice.

But what about when it’s with people who have hurt you deeply? Or when a deep childhood wound or unmet need is exposed? Not so easy.

If you constantly look at someone or a situation from the perspective of the part of your mind that’s hurt (because you identify with it), then you will never see their pain.

If you never see their pain, you can’t fully understand it.

And if you can’t fully understand it, then you’re unable to truly forgive and let go.

On opportunity

"As within, so without, as above, so below, as the universe, so the soul.” — Hermes Trismegistus

Your reality is like a mirror, and it reflects your inner world, based upon what is held in mind — the world is as you are.

Life can become a fun game when you realise every little thing that bugs you, hurts you, activates you or triggers you is just life attempting to teach you something.

This is powerful because when you’re in the midst of a hurtful moment or an argument with someone you love - it’s just two people reflecting their inner pain.

If you are hurt, so is the other person in some way - even if it doesn’t always seem like it or you can’t bring that into your awareness in the heat of the moment.

But if one person can disidentify from experience just enough to see past themselves, this opens up greater levels of awareness, which opens up greater capacities for understanding, compassion, growth and transcendence.

Which means… all pain and suffering now becomes an opportunity, if you’d like it to.

On love

Although we may have different wounds to show for it, at the deepest core all humans seek approval, acceptance and validation on some level so they can prove to themselves that they are indeed, enough.

Deep down, all people truly want is to be accepted and loved for what they are, who they are and as they are.

That’s why one of the greatest gifts of life is the ability to give pure, unconditional love to someone else — even when you yourself are terribly hurt.

Why? Because you deliver healing to everyone. You, them and the people around you. A true win-win-win scenario — how often do we get to see those in our lives?

True, pure and unconditional love is so powerful because it possesses the ability to directly dissolve pain into peace.

Like shining a light on the darkness, the darkness is no more.

It is the essential essence of Life itself.

In the upcoming part, I’ll be reflecting on my own internal experience in deep introspection with Internal Family Systems (IFS), Schema Therapy and Somatic Therapy.

I’m just realising (or moreso remembering) how the each moment I’m writing about in each part was a seismic mind-bending shift in itself. I’m excited!

Thank you again for taking the time to read 💜

---

I’d like to give a special thank you to my coach, friend and brother Danny Miranda for being able to hold space in unconditional love while I explored the darkest parts of myself. There are truly no words for the imprint you’ve made on my existence, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

---

This piece’s companion track

Further exploration

• 14 Minutes To Change Your Life Forever - Peter Crone (YouTube)

• Love – The 500 Level (Article)

• Love Is the Experience of the Unity of Being (YouTube)

Good reads on Substack

• Zan Tafakari
  on the use of music to embrace and intentionally feel our emotions (just so happens ‘On the Nature of Daylight’ was Zan’s track of choice for this post, where he’d first heard it in the movie ‘Arrival’, which is one of his favourite movies…. which was the exact same for me 🤯).

• Jen Traxel
  busts common mediation myths (someone’s gotta do it 😛), along with some tips for mindfulness.

• Jen Hitze
  dives into the power of directing attention and awareness.

• Tobias (Writes KC☯)
  on the repeating patterns of nature (fractals).

• Klara Prosova
  on following the calling and spark of the creative path.

---

Thank you for being here with me, it means a lot 🙏

If you enjoyed my writing, I’d appreciate the love being spread with a like 💜 or restack 🔄 so more people can connect with it.

If you're not yet subscribed to the newsletter, you can do so below.

Or just connect and say hey! You can find me on X/Twitter or LinkedIn.

---