On beating yourself up for "not doing enough"
tips to recognise how much you are doing so you can cut yourself some much needed slack + a provoking question on the origins of the voices within.
It’s been a while now since I’ve posted anything to the newsletter. I’ve spent most of this past month being with some intense repressed childhood feelings that I had no idea were harbored inside of me this whole time.
Yet, instead of having compassion for myself over what’s been a rough time, I’ve instead observed a consistent tendency to beat myself up for “not doing enough” - particularly in terms of being here writing. Even though I had a good reason not to be, and it wasn’t like the rest of my life came to a stand still. Imagine that.
This isn’t a pattern that’s unique to me; I’ve seen it pervade the experience of pretty much everyone I know.
When we feel like we’re not doing enough, what we really mean is that we don’t feel like we are enough.
This all links back to the early experiences we have during our formative years when we learn the mechanics of conditional love set out by the collective unconscious. Sadly being ourselves misses the mark on those conditions.
Everything we do is driven by the desire to be validated, accepted, and loved—so when we go to do things, everything is always tied to some conditional outcome.
What would life look like if that weren’t the case?
‘Cause I’m tired of that paradigm. That paradigm sucks.
It’s been just over 6 months since I started writing on the internet and out of curiosity, I started writing out all the things I’ve done since then.
When I did that, I was shocked to see that actually, I’ve done enough… probably more than enough.
I’m gonna go over that list here to help me get back into the spirit of writing, and then I’ll leave you with some wisdom afterwards.
Alright, here goes… since I started writing online I:
Started building a blog (canned it - wasn’t aligned).
Started building a creator newsletter (canned it - wasn’t aligned).
Bought something like 10 different domains, only used one of them.
Started a personal website and newsletter on Ghost, learnt basic HTML/CSS.
Came to Substack from Ghost at the end of Jan.
Published a total of 13 posts over this time, deleted 6 of them.
Reached 85 subscribers on the newsletter that saw 10 of those posts.
Built up a total following of 437 across Substack, X, Threads and Instagram.
Changed the name of my newsletter four times. Just did it then - it’s now called The Gift of Being You. Welcome to the NEWsletter 😛.
Started publishing a guidebook of connected notes. Published around 30 notes. Took them all down. Changed the name/theme of that a few times. Built a custom theme for the site. Started that again and published another 20 notes.
Started a bunch of books, put heaps of them down, but finished a lot of them too. Learnt a ton.
Started learning how to DJ, which I really wanted to do but had put off for years.
Did a bunch of therapy and coaching - spiritual, traditional & non-traditional.
Sat with some of the darkest feelings I didn’t know were lodged inside of me and confronted truths I wasn’t allowing myself to see.
Managed the smorgasbord of health conditions I deal with, which got worse during the above.
Overcame the fear of being myself and launched into putting myself out there as me, in public, despite all the protector parts that told me not to.
Connected back to my spiritual essence and had a natural oneness experience, which was kinda cool.
Started a program to learn about becoming a trauma-sensitive and integral unfoldment coach.
Lost and found myself on what felt like 10,000 different occasions.
Met and encountered so many amazing and awesome people along the way.
Still worked a full-time job.
Oh, and I’m building a house right now too.
More than enough, right? In fact, I’m probably juggling way too many balls here.
If you, like me, find yourself beating yourself up for “not doing enough” here’s what I’ll say to that:
Start by asking yourself… what even is “enough”? Enough for what? Enough for who? Can it ever be enough? Will it ever be enough?
Write and keep your own list like this handy so you can easily get back to it. Write out everything you’ve done even if it doesn’t relate to the thing you’re feel you’re not doing enough about. It’s way easier to have compassion for yourself when you can zoom out and see everything you’re doing all at once.
Make it an intention to regularly celebrate some of the small wins. With all the things in my list above, I’ve celebrated none of it — in fact right now is the most celebration I’ve given myself. Perspective combats “not doing enough” syndrome.
Remember that you are whole right now, and there’s nothing missing in you. The fundamentals of what makes you a whole human is the same for every other human being. Sure, there might be some things you can’t do, but you’ve got all the core ingredients to make that thing happen, if that’s what you truly want.
The idea that you aren’t enough is bullshit. You are enough. Always were, always have been.
In the immediate moment, that’ll at least help to address that critical voice that tries to undermine everything you do, but just know that it’s highly likely this voice is not even yours—it’s more likely to be an introject.
So as we wrap up, ask yourself:
Are these voices in your head truly yours, or do they belong to someone else who’s convinced you that you’re not doing enough?
Thank you for being here with me, it means a lot! Before we go:
If you enjoyed this, it’d be immensely meaningful to me if you supported my writing with a like 💜, restack 🔄 or share 👀 to someone you think may benefit.
Check out the newsletter’s companion guidebook. It’s a web of living, breathing, interconnected notes — it’s a free flowing and unfolding exploration into what it means to be human, and what it means to be you.
I’ve opened up my calendar because it's awesome to meet new people, so if you're up for it, let's chat!
Congrats on all the progress you’re making, those are huge wins! We’re sometimes conditioned to look at a few key metrics to determine our own individual success and worth but the reality is that it can come purely from the internal quailia of your experience. If it’s positive, that’s a win!
Keep it up! 💪
Oh yasshhh I missed reading your posts.
Crazy, aye, for constantly thinking that we're not doing enough while if we list down all stuff that we did, it's overwhelming to see. Our brain is a master of pandering to our distorted self-esteem.